Coming out of a bout of depression is very similar to coming through a bad car accident and long recovery time. Suddenly you feel like the world is brighter and you appreciate things so much more than before. You feel so lucky to have survived and you can’t believe that you were ever in that much pain. The problem with this comparison is that you generally don’t suffer a near death, horrifying car crash more than once in your life. Depression is a life destroying wreck that can hit you like a head on with a MACK truck over and over again.
Sometimes it comes on slowly, like drifting over into the oncoming lane, and other times it comes at you terrifyingly fast, like headlights coming straight at you in the dark. How ever it hits, it suddenly is your only reality. There is no more happy. Food is bland, happy songs have no meaning and hiding under the sheets for days on end is the only thing that brings you any semblance of relief. Each bout feels like the first time and you can’t remember how you came out of it before, or even that you did.
At least with a car crash you can see the injuries, feel supported and receive sympathy from your loved ones. Depression has no markings and it is a pain riddled with shame and the desire to hide it is overwhelming. Even in the rare times you reach out to someone you may feel the need to down play the seriousness of your emotional turmoil in order to not seem “crazy”. It feels like no one can help. No one will understand. Daily you struggle with the thought that you must be strong, must carry on for the sake of the ones you love even while that other voice grows increasingly persistent as it whispers, “why? Wouldn’t they be better off without you? Wouldn’t it be nice for this all to be over? ”
So many people commented to me when since I first opened this door on my blog and gave everyone a peek, that they would never have guessed. ” You always seem like such a happy person. Such a strong and positive person.” I can tell you, that side of me is true as well. When I’m up, I am happy, strong and positive. When I’m down, you may not know it, however close you are to me because unlike a car crash victim I am too ashamed to get help. I am too afraid of what you will think so I don’t allow anyone to try to heal my wounds and help me back on my feet. I ride it out, alone and mostly in silence. Afraid I won’t be able to do it this time and terrified I will and the pain will just keep coming.
Then suddenly without warning, it’s gone. The darkness, chased away by the light. Rarely any rhyme or reason to any of it. Just a crash no one can see.
The Complexity of Me 